speak

and say the words that no one else will ever say

love

love like the world we know is over in a day

and you're beautiful

and i am weakened by the force of your eyes

so shine bright

to separate the truth from the lies

i'm gonna show you love

i'm gonna show you love in every language

i'm gonna speak with words that need no form

i'm gonna give you what you never had before

so tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect

no, i won't regret to let love do what love will let

and you can drown in mixed emotions and walk across an angry sea

this is the cost of being free


- Jars Of Clay

Too worried about convincing everyone else that my decision to stay was for the best… that it made the most sense… defending myself against allegations of incompetence and lack of good judgement…

I barely had time to stop and actually think about it myself.

F that.

I’m so tired of apologising to people for not going back, apologising for things we did not do, apologising for inconveniencing everyone, apologising for choosing to stay, apologising for being able to change my mind, apologising to people who will never have a chance to go away… and yet I had and gave up my chance just like that…

So tired at seeing everyone’s incredulous gasps and or hostile wariness.

So tired of being different.

So tired of justifying why I’m that way.

And why should I justify anything? Do we all have to be like sheep?

And all because I dreamt a little further and hoped a little harder?

F that.

First… it wasn’t buckets of money. I was on scholarship… the whole way.

And second… it wasn’t brains and loads of talent… it was heart. Loads of heart and a persistence that buggered all the institutions I wrote to… a pleading from a really desperate soul. Yes I wanted to be away that bad.

Che palle.

And now that I’m back…

Why? Why am I back?

I MISS CANADA dammit… Missyoumissyoumissyoumissyou…

There rises within … a vast aching sense of panic that yearns for stability – in whatever manner it may come… something that would hold you steady until the panic fades away and you are renewed in faith that everything will be alright …

It’s an uneasy road that lies ahead… and I feel like I’m in the Mass Rapid Transport, pulling away from the station, with all its brightly lit surroundings and familiar benches, maps and signs, into the dark tunnel of the unknown. Speeding into the unknown looking backwards as the station pulls away and disappears from sight.

A feeling of pure panic (that is stifled by years of not showing true extreme emotion) courses through my blood stream and is slowly being overtaken by … it seems an emotion almost akin to sadness… is it regret...? Nostalgia…?

Aaah! Frustration… another emotion that is slowly showing itself.

A lot to think about today.

Life is definitely moving on. We are indeed growing old… Older at least.

There is a sense of loneliness that is tinged with the gratefulness of solitude. Definitely brought on by the fact that my sister and parents left today for the States and the house will be empty for about 2 weeks. Coming home, the house is quiet and my brother is asleep and grandma is in bed. The room Tiff and I share, is empty and the desk where is always sit… is empty and though we rarely talk even when I come home, its uncomfortable that she’s not present in the house. It’s the same, now that mom and dad are not in the room to say hi to.

Not really having had to face the fact that school has officially started and the weight of the decision I made having to come home.

Suddenly I have all the space and time to reflect on my own.

A deviation by =orangebutt