hey... i guess... i don't even who actually reads my blog and becuz of late... or especially of late... when desperation escalated to the highest point... i've been pretty uh nerve-wrecking person to be around with. I want to thank everyone... everyone... for patience... for love and for sticking it out and being there. I know its been hard... but you guys are great. Luv y'all...

sum it all up... coming home its been a white-water raft journey of being swept up in God's amazing grace...

hard-lessons learnt... gotta decrease, for God to increase... got to be empty to understand what it means to be filled, gotta be low to feel God lifting me above the storm... and to truly feel the Spirit moving and to see... like really really see... what God is sayin, like not just know what he says, you know like "peace i give unto you, not as the world gives..." but truly understand what it means but not needing the peace of the world... and only hankering for the peace of God.

Pure joy.

And for the first time, I think I'm free...

When you align your priorities with that of God... it seems things move... they fall into place, they go God's way, because it not your life you're trying to make/create/discover/hold onto anymore... when you are absolutely powerless and weak and unworthy and backed in a corner... and you just give up doing things your own way, you give up fighting your fight, trying to defend yourself... to be yourself…

Then you see how God's grace is MORE than sufficient for you. He is GOD. He is works in MARVELOUS ways... He shows you that all you need is Him. ALL you need is Him.

And when I totally gave up and I was like... that's it... give up. There is nothing left. No one can help me. I can’t help me… that’s it. Can’t go nowhere … God I need a miracle. No no… I need You… gotta be rite with you… Spirit fill me.

And Bam. He’s there… He’s everywhere!!

And I see… why? Why did I fight so hard? Why did I try so hard? All I needed to listen… to truly listen… to devour Your word… to acknowledge truly acknowledge supremacy… to hand over the wheel… to be filled… to surrender…

TOTAL surrender.

Take my world apart. Watch the world I use to love fall to dust and thrown away. Did You really have to die for me? So steal my heart and take the pain, take the selfish take the weak, take the things I cannot hide, take the beauty take the tears, take my world apart.

And then you realise, it IS by grace that we live. Gotta get some of that grace… its great… claim it…

And I have to say… when the Spirit moves you… He moves you.

Tort exam: started studying 2 days before. No joke… at that stage it was not even a let’s hope for a miracle. It was plain… there’s no hope. Don’t care anymore good bye. So… sad to say… it was only at that point … I surrendered all to God. ALL… and I didn’t pray for grades, didn’t pray for crazy memory and excellent study habits… just wanted the rest of my study time to be a sacrifice to Him.

Uh yea, it wasn’t until after the exam I realise, that there was not one time since that prayer, that He didn’t provide. Maybe I did crap, but that’s not the point. The point is that He sustained me every minute, every second from that time on. I managed to study, I managed to pray, really pray, to read His word and feel it to internalise it, to sleep, to rest, to work again, to have peace, to understand the exam question, to have time (to have TIME) during the exam… even to check! … hah… and a million of little things… like not having to have to go to the washroom during the exam (stomach flu lar)… aiyah…

and our God is Jehovah Jireh. He is our Provider. And He leads me besides still waters and makes me lie down in green pastures and beside still waters. He sets a table before mine enemies and anoints my head with oil and my cup runneth over… He is the God who’s names is above all names. We claim the name of the Lord.

1 Samuel 17: ⁴⁵ Then David said to the Philistine, "You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin; but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. ⁴⁶ This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down, and cut off your head; and I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, ⁴⁷ and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear; for the battle is the LORD'S and he will give you into our hand."

The battle is the Lord’s, “For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Surrender and Trust. Amen

Artist: Jars Of Clay 

Album: Jars Of Clay 

Song: Worlds Apart 

Somehow it all adds up the same 

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride 

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide 

With a world I try so hard to leave behind 

To rid myself of all but love, 

To give and die 

To turn away and not become 

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves 

More deeply than the oceans, 

More abundant than the tear 

Of a world embracing every heartache 

Can I be the one to sacrifice 

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - I am on my knees 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - broken on my knees 

All said and done I stand alone 

Amongst remains of a life I should not own 

It takes all I am to believe 

In the mercy that covers me 

Did you really have to die for me? 

All I am for all you are 

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart 

And I pray, 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - I am on my knees 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - broken on my knees 

I look beyond the empty cross 

Forgetting what my life has cost 

And wipe away the crimson stains 

And dull the nails that still remains 

More and more I need you now, 

I owe you more each passing hour 

The battle between grace and pride 

I gave up not so long ago 

So steal my heart and take the pain 

And wash the feet and cleanse my pride 

Take the selfish, take the weak, 

And all the things I cannot hide 

Take the beauty, take my tears 

The sin and soaked heart and make it yours 

Take my world all apart 

Take it now, take it now 

And serve the ones that I despise 

Speak the words I can't deny 

Watch the world I used to love 

Fall to dust and thrown away 

I look beyond the empty cross 

Forgetting what my life has cost 

So wipe away the crimson stains 

And dull the nails that still remain 

So steal my heart and take the pain 

Take the selfish, take the weak 

And all the things I cannot hide 

Take the beauty, take my tears 

Take my world apart, take my world apart 

I pray, I pray, I pray 

Take my world apart 

and i wake up and look outside and its raining cats and dogs and the skies are dark and dreary... and i'm like... weeee perfect weather for sleeping...
and i get up... take a shower... dry my hair and catch a lift from mom to sch... and there ARE die-hard law students in the libarary... I say... absolutely disgusting... I thought I'd have the library to myself.
haha... and so the first thought that enters my head when I wake is, long sleeves and scarf... and I put on my fav. long sleeves shirt and I realise I'm dying of heat. it really does look like vancouver weather outside comeon... and it looks like its telling me... winter is here... grab that raincoat... pray for snow. wanted to take my trusty starbucks mug to sch with coffee, as i've done manyatimes a blreary winter morning... mmm starbucks mug and caramel vanilla bean...
and i realise...

i've left it in canada...

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours, I am Yours.

I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours.

When your world’s been made up of things of the world. The pleasures and joys you can get from the world… where meaning in life stems from those you love and the things we do together… there is no place for God in the charmed life you lead. When you can find and get your way through the intelligence of the mind and the actions of your heart, you don’t need a miracle.

And finally when all has been taken away and your world seems to crumble, and in an instance everything you once knew or thought you knew, is left in shambles and you are shaken by the weak foundation of an ephemeral identity… you realise… identity is truly ephemeral.

And we will always be seeking it.

Being displaced brings this all in clear relief… and the frustration is something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on… yet it was bothering me… and while outside I’m calm … inside there is this continual struggle, yearning, wanting… and not understanding it… I put it down to loneliness…

But… truly I am not lonely. Nor depressed for that matter… but a little raw and a little lost. And its finally surfaced and smacked me in the face. I’m not seeking to fit in. I’m not seeking to be immersed. I’m not seeking for love or merely acceptance. I’m once again seeking who I am… and this time its who I am in God.

It’s come full circle. Leaving to seek identity. Coming home to lose it all again… for its when all is lost, that you will be found. And being of His workmanship, I have been called to a purpose. And all I need to know … is that its His will … The turbulence and raging need inside to feel whole… is calmed when I acknowledge and see that I am here because this is the “acceptable time” of God. That He has called me here, and I am rooted in His love. I am no longer a wanderer… My intrinsic worth is in God and I am defined because I am His.

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing. You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes. And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad. You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

Your Kissing Purity Score: 74% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

How You Live Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

You Should Learn Chinese

Surprised? You shouldn't be - Chinese is perfect for an ambitious person like you. You're a natural entrepreneur, and a billion people are waiting to do business with you!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.